4 weeks

So I am officially 4 weeks post op. The bruising is almost completely gone. I am almost back to my normal emotional roller coaster. Granted I still have moments of intense sadness and feelings of failure. Still, over the last 6 weeks since this all started there have been some great things that I have finally been able to see.

Yes my house is still a disaster and I'm trying to get it back under control, but finding the motivation is difficult most days. I have a wonderfully supportive husband who looks at me when I am beyond frazzled and stressed and tells me it will all be ok. Rather than be upset because the floors aren't swept and there are still dishes in the sink,  he looks at me, holds me, tries to make me laugh, and even helps me make it out of the house. He doesn't get upset or disappointed because he knows I'm still struggling. I couldn't ask for a better partner.

Last week J re-enlisted. I couldn't be more proud of him. Don't get me wrong I am upset because that does mean at least one more deployment for us, but I couldn't be more proud of my soldier for what he is doing. I know that no matter what obstacles are thrown our way we will be able to make it through to the other side still standing.

We also found our for sure where our next duty station will be!! Drum Roll please....... and the winner is HAWAII!!!! Yes, you read that right, Hawaii. We are stuck in the hood for a year, but next spring we will be on our way to paradise! I had very mixed feelings at the beginning of our attempt to get there. It is a very long way from home for me, it's not even in the continental U.S! It has definitely grown on me though. After all how many people get to experience living there? I am absolutely nervous about being that far away from my parents, and the amount it will cost for any of us if we need to fly to the other. I am trying to stay positive about it as much as possible, and not think about the possible downfalls.

I also went to my first FRG meeting last week. It was interesting, of course almost all of the current "officers" are leaving due to PCSing and the like. So they were on the hunt for new officers. I am now the new leader of our FRG. That's right I said leader! I still have mixed feelings. I know some will say I am making a horrible decision, but we will see. If I don't like it, I can always resign my position. I am hoping to make it what it is truly meant to be, not a gossip hall. FRGs are supposed to help encourage comradery not divide us. So we shall see if this happen or if I have completely lost my mind. I got to training the next two days.

So wish me luck on these new endeavors and hope that I can keep my sanity!!

What doesn't kill us....

I know, I know, I have been absent for a couple of weeks yet again. I think after reading this, you will forgive me. I have had an internal battle since this started as to whether or not I really wanted to write about. Now that this difficult chapter is nearing the end, I feel more comfortable sharing. Forewarning, this is a little long.

On March 21st, something told me that I needed to take a pregnancy test. Even though I was a week away from my next expected period, my previous one wasn't any where near normal for me. Because of the strong urge I felt to take one, I finally caved and did it. It was positive. While I wanted nothing more than to be excited, my gut told me that something was wrong. When J came home, I told him that I took a test and it was positive. He was beyond ecstatic. It was utterly heartwarming. He wanted to call and tell everyone he was going to be a daddy. I told him that I wanted to wait until we saw a doctor and made sure that everything was ok, and he reluctantly but happily obliged.

The next day we went to the women's center on post and were able to do a walk-in appointment. After an all day event of waiting and testing, we found out that yes we were indeed pregnant, but the ultrasound showed that it was ectopic. After the doctor left to look at all the results and arrange follow up testing to confirm, I had to explain what this meant to my husband. The look on his face of pure disappointment was heart breaking. Since it was almost 5pm, the doctor sent me for a formal ultrasound and then to the ER to await the confirmation results and to explain our options.

The doctor met us in the ER and further explained what the ectopic pregnancy meant. Coming from a medical background, I knew most of the complications, but they were a game changer in my husband's eyes and they way he viewed what this pregnancy meant. The doctor explained that I had two options, medication or surgery. I didn't know medication was an option, but he thought it was our best option and that it had a very good success rate with almost no implication on fertility. He explained that it would be a very painful option as it is a chemotherapy drug and the different side effects that go along with it. I received two injections of the medication, one in each butt cheek. I was sent home with a very low dose prescription pain reliever and a nausea medication.

Over the next 24 hours, my pain was intense but tolerable. I was on bed rest anyway so that was tremendously helpful. I am beyond thankful to J's command for giving him the day off to take care of me. The doctor said that my pain would increase over the next few days as the medication took effect, and that I was to only take the pain meds as directed and nothing else because of the risk of bleeding. The directions on the bottle was 1 pill every 4-6 hours. I started taking them at every 6 and after two doses was having to increase when I took them, to the point that making it to 4 hours was a challenge. That Friday evening, my pain level shot up from a 5 to a 9 in less than 2 minutes with no warning. I had taken my last pain pill 3 and half hours ago. I managed to get a pill down and within 20 minutes I was going into shock from the pain.

The doctor warned us that if my pain became excruciating we needed to go back to the ER because the pregnancy could have ruptured. After 30 minutes of no pain relief and me crying and shaking we went to the ER. After being made to feel like an idiot by the triage nurses we were finally put into a room, I was comforted by the doctors and nurses telling me I did the right thing by coming in. After over 8 hours in the ER, we were finally told that it had not ruptured. The on-call OBGYN better explained what was going on, and what I could do at home to better relieve the pain, she was also so kind as to change my pain meds. Things were getting better after that.

I got my blood drawn when I was supposed to and went to my 1 week follow up where I was told everything looked good and for the next couple weeks just to get my blood drawn until my hormone levels were considered negative.

Fast forward to Sunday April 1st, and no this is not an April Fool's joke. That night J and I decided to go see The Hunger Games. Before the movie started, I began to have some abdominal pain that felt like gas. A little more than halfway through the movie the pain was really intense so I decided I would get up and walk to the restroom, thinking that would move things around and I could relieve the pressure. While I was walking down the stairs to leave the theater I became very dizzy. As soon as I walked out the door I knew I was about to faint. I eased myself to the floor and by the time I was on my hand and knees I fainted. I lost about 10-20 seconds of time. Needless to say we didn't finish the movie. An employee got my hubby for me and the manager was kind enough to give us guest passes since we didn't finish the movie. I refused to go to the ER because I was sure that I only passed out because of how quickly I was moving and there was no cause for concern.

I tried everything I could think of when we got home to relieve the pressure. It had been a very long time since I had gas pain that severe, but I was familiar with the procedure. After a few hours of trying to relieve the pressure with no success and worsening pain, J finally convinced me we needed to go to the ER. When we would try to get me up, I would get very nauseous and feel like I was going to pass out again. I ended up throwing up at one point and we thought for sure that would help ease my pain, it didn't. I barely made it out of the house before I felt like I would pass out and started vomiting again. J decided to call an ambulance for me since I couldn't even make it to the truck, even though the hospital is less than 5 miles away.

By the time I made it to the hospital my pain was increasing, my blood pressure rising, my heart was racing, and it hurt to take a deep breath. I was beginning to think that I was suffering from appendicitis or the worse gas pain imaginable. J was of course hoping for the latter. After many horrible hours of excruciating pain and probing tests we finally had an answer. The pain meds only worked for about 20 minutes at a time and I could barely move I was in so much pain. At about 630am it was discovered that I had blood pooling behind my uterus and the most likely cause was that the ectopic pregnancy was ruptured.  Within an hour and a half I was in the OR.

I was one of the few very unlucky women that after more than 72hours of the medication being administered suffered from a ruptured ectopic pregnancy. The doctors were able to clean everything up and perform the surgery laproscopically, but they had to take the fallopian tube associated with the pregnancy. I was released from the hospital later that afternoon, but before that I managed to incur one more injury. Because my muscles were so fatigued from the pain, when I got up to use the restroom, even with assistance, I managed to rupture a surface blood vessel near one of the incisions. Yeh, I'm special. The doctors assured me it was self containing and explained what to watch out for to determine if it needed to be examined.

My mom was wonderful and flew in the next day to help take care of me for a week, and J's command was also fantastic and gave him the week off to be with me.

It has been a long and slow recovery process, but today is two weeks since the surgery. Physically I still look like someone tried to run me over, but I am getting stronger every day and am slowly returning to normal. Emotionally I am still on a horrible roller coaster. I have good days and bad, but the good are starting to be a little more frequent. J has been absolutely amazing, I couldn't ask for a better partner. Heck, I've been living in his pajama pants and basketball shorts for two weeks since almost nothing of mine fits because of the swelling.

If you read all of this, I'm impressed. I told you it was long, but it helps me to write about it. It is helping me to heal by facing what happened. Don't be afraid to ask questions if you have them, I will answer them. Here's a few of the oh so awesome progress pictures....

This was the night of the surgery, three incisions.

    

These were Thursday morning after my surgery.

The Saturday after my surgery, told you I looked like got run over by a truck, lol

11 days after surgery

Today, 2 weeks post surgery.

Time to catch up

So I have lots of things to get you all caught up on. The last two and a half weeks have been really busy. Hubby was promoted, I went to my first Military Ball, went through my first night alone, we had our first BBQ, and went through our first TX spring storm.

The Military Ball was nice, it took a while to find a dress. I managed to find a really pretty purple one strap dress the day before the ball. Of course it was freezing, so I was thankful that I bought a matching a shawl to help keep me warm for the walk from the parking lot. The one picture that I have of us isn't flattering we both look quite chubby. Once we get the professional pictures back I will post it. The dinner was surprisingly amazing. Very very tasty and the take home gift was one of the best favors in a while. Wine Glasses engraved with the Battalion's insignia and motto. Overall it was a really nice night.

 Of course two day's later hubby has his first CQ duty with his new rank. Luckily it was a gloomy and rainy day so I didn't really want to do anything anyway. I made Chicken Noodle Soup, biscuits, and brownies to take up to him for dinner. Of course I made multiple trips up to him because he would call me every few hours and ask me to bring him something. I know he couldn't leave because he was the one in charge, but I'm not sure how much he wanted those things versus wanting to see me. Luckily where he was from our house is not even a mile away. If it wasn't raining I could have walked.

Since I haven't been that social lately and haven't met that many people yet. We decided that for Saint Patrick's Day we would have a BBQ. I spent the day before baking many many cupcakes. I made three different types. Irish Car Bomb Cupcakes, a Hard Cider cupcake with a Chocolate Guinness Frosting, and for the kids Funfetti cupcakes with Green Vanilla Frosting and homemade green sprinkles. Then for the actual BBQ we had hamburgers, hotdogs, corn on the cob done on the grill, jalapeno poppers, Veggie platter, chips, dip, salsa, meatballs, broccoli casserole, 7 layer dip, and I'm sure there's things I'm forgetting. It was good party and turn out. People actually stayed for quite a while so I was pleasantly surprised.

After the BBQ we were invited by two other couples to go to the dirt track for racing. It was a lot of fun and entertaining to watch. It definitely made me miss home though. It was a nice cheap date though. Only $12/person to get in and hours of unexpected entertainment including people watching. It definitely helped that we had good company.

Then for the big bang we went through our first Texas Spring Storm. The way this thing was hyped up I expected it to be much worse. But it equated to a good summer thunderstorm in FL. I can understand why they freak out over it though, especially when they aren't used to it. I agree that it could have been much worse, there could have been tornadoes and bigger hail and still stronger winds. Luckily there wasn't. I would have felt right at home if the storm had happened during the afternoon.

I think that's everything major that has happened the past couple of weeks. I promise I'm trying to get better and more frequent at this! Have a fantastical day and congratulations if you read this far!!

Change of Scenery

Sorry I have been absent for so long, but a LOT of things have happened since my last update.

For starters, February 16th was my last day at my job. I have some amazing coworkers that I miss dearly, they were my family for over 3 years. That Thursday was the hardest day of my career. Before work I cried probably 3 times. While I was at work I was teary eyed most of the day. My Coworkers brought in ice cream, rootbeer, icecream cake, and other goodies for my last day. Lab people love to eat, LOL! Not only that but they all chipped in and got me a more than generous Visa gift card! By the time I left at the end of my shift, I was crying my eyes out. I miss my coworkers! That was a very difficult night, I didn't sleep at all.

I finally got a little sleep before I needed to get up and get started on packing. When I had a wonderful and much needed surprise. Hubby surprised me and flew in on a 4 day pass to help me start packing. I was shocked, sleep deprived, ungroomed, and so happy to see him. I definitely needed him for support after that rough day. Of course, I was in tears once again!

He not only helped me get quite a bit of packing done, but also made sure that I was eating. I have a tendency to skip that when I'm stressed. We also had a going away party that Saturday night. I was truly touched by how many people came! It meant a lot to me.

That following week was filled with packing and getting rid of stuff. I had to take him to the airport Monday morning to fly back to Texas, but I got to pick him back up Friday evening. Saturday morning we got the uhaul and with the help of my parents got everything loaded up. Sunday morning we were on the road. Finally got to our place late Monday night/ early Tuesday morning.

With the help of two privates, the truck was unloaded in less than an hour. It took 4 times that to load it. All I could do was stand back and watch, I wasn't sure if I should be scared or impressed! I have been on an unpacking marathon since. My kitchen is 95% done, the living/dining room are about 50% same as the bathrooms. Once those are done, the rest will happen at a slower pace. It is coming together though.

I will post pictures once I have them. This weekend we have to find me a dress for the ball next week, and also force me to start driving around out here. The thought currently scares me. We live on post and I've never driven on post before. Not to mention this place is HUGE!!! I'm afraid I'm going to get lost and end up at the wrong area of post.  Well wish me luck!!

Nocturnal

I know I've been mia again, but I assure you there's a lot going on. First and foremost, I'm becoming more nocturnal than usual. I have always been more of the night owl, but recently it has gotten out of hand. I have 2, yes 2, days of work left, and for the last two weeks I have not been sleeping well. This has gotten progressively worse. Normally I can take a nice 3mg melatonin pill and 30mins later I'm fast asleep and wake up refreshed. Not now, I take my wonderful sleeping aid and an hour and a half later I'm still wide awake.

Yes, I realize that this is all probably stress, anxiety, nervousness, and excited-ness related, (I'm pretty sure I just made up a word there, forgive me) but this is getting a little out of hand. I need my sleep, I get grumpy when I don't get enough sleep. We are officially reaching a dangerous number of days without enough sleep. Normally I'm in bed by 2am at the latest during the week, I work 2nd shift, but lately it's 4 or later before the sand man finally decides to visit.

Lack of sleep and my rollercoaster emotions are taking their toll on my sanity and relationship with my husband. I get very snippy and reserved in times like these and with us being so far apart it makes me feel even more isolated. This in turn makes me more agitated, as well as hubby. He tries so hard to be there for me and be understanding and calm me down, but in turn it just ticks me off even more. I try to control the emotions, but sometimes I snap. This distance while we are in the same country is not good for us, especially considering that we haven't gotten that much time together in general. Total time together since Dec 2010 - 6 weeks at most, and I think I'm over estimating. I know things will get better when we get to be together for a few days, they always are.

I'm just very thankful that we decided to get married and get me moved when we did. Yes, I'm sad that our families and friends couldn't be there, but overall this was the best decision. Things are getting extremely bad and stressful where I work and it is more than time to leave the place where I trained for my profession and later got hired. It's not the same, it has changed, and no where near a good way when safety is compromised.

I have a lot of work to get done in a week. Once Friday comes I will be unemployed, by choice and necessity, and the packing will begin. Look out Texas, here I come, curly hair and all. LOL

BTW I hope you all had a wonderful love day. I hope you all had good company to spend some time with. My day consisted of beautiful flowers from hubby and an always interesting day with coworkers.

Now if only hubby would start to feel better and I could start getting some sleep, I would be much happier. Goodnight all!! (Wish me luck)

Busy busy

Forgive me as I am kind of slacking with updated this blog. These next few weeks are going to be very hectic. I only have two weeks left at work and three weeks left in the state of Florida. I have to get my fully furnished two bedroom apartment fully packed up before my hubby flies in. Once he is here, we have to go get the moving truck and load it up and hit the road. It'll take us approximately two days to make the drive. Not fun at all.

So this was my last weekend of "freedom" before the big move. Friday was spent finishing getting my name changed and few other errands. Saturday was spent at my parents getting my car tunes up and packing some stuff up that I still have there. Of course I got to have a wonderful free meal of smoked chicken wings!!

Then of course there was today, SuperBowl Sunday! Today I went to a coworker's for his annual party. I will miss getting to go to all of the other parties he has. By request I made Jalapeno poppers.

I made them for last year's 4th of July Party and they were gone within 30mins, today they were gone in about 20 and I made more this time than last. Such a simple and amazing recipe my dad came up.


I had a lot of fun at the party. Played some poker, had interesting conversations, and of course watched the game and commercials! Not only did the team I was going for win I also won some money for one of the square sheets we had. Overall it was a good weekend, just wish hubby could have been here too.

Things are moving right along

Things are seeming to fall into place very quickly for us, hopefully this is a good trend and something bad isn't right around the corner. Hubby will be getting the keys to our new place on post right around Feb 9th! I'm excited and really wish I could be there for it, but I'll be along not to far after. We officially have a plan in place and leave scheduled for him to move me from my home on the beautiful Florida Space Coast to Texas. I have even put in my notice at work!

I have mixed feelings on Texas. I will be landlocked, and I am not a fan. No more, although infrequent now days, off shore fishing for me. No more random strolls on the beach at all hours of the day and night. No more smell of the ocean. I don't know how well this is going to go for me. Yet, I am keeping as much of an open mind as possible. I also keep telling myself that this is not permanent. I can always come back, even if its 25years from now. I am also excited to get to be in the same state and house with my husband for more than 2 weeks at a time. This will definitely be an adjustment for us, but I think we will survive it just fine. It will be nice to get to see a new area and find new places to hang out and things to do. There will definitely be upsides to this, but there's a lot of change for me as well. I may be a Navy Brat, but I got extremely lucky on the moving aspect and only moved once. I've been here for most of my life, talk about a big adjustment coming up.

I'm also excited and sad about putting in my notice at work today. I have been there for over three years. I did all of my clinical rotations where I am and got hired after. My coworkers are definitely family to me. We've been through a lot together, including being bought out my another company and getting "used" to them. I may not like who I work for now, but I love who I work with. They are the reason I wanted to work there after clinicals and have stayed there after the corporation took over. It will definitely be a sad last day for me, almost like the last day of school.

I have a feeling I will have many homesick days ahead of me. Thankfully I have a very loving and understanding husband that has promised me when I need absolutely need it, he'll find a way to get me home for a few days. I'm a big girl though, and just like my mom could do it, I know I can. Now let's hope the good vibes keep flowing and the other shoe is quite far away before it drops.